


Ten days

by Hanavia



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Guilt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26067643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanavia/pseuds/Hanavia
Summary: Ludwig could not imagine living without the lively Italian, and yet it almost happened.
Relationships: Germany/North Italy (Hetalia)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	Ten days

**Author's Note:**

> It's a bit over a year now. Finally feeling a little bit more alive. Had to post the thing I wrote in therapy after the attempt. 
> 
> Please stay safe guys. Reach out.

Ludwig carefully lowered himself into the armchair, trying to make as little noise as possible so as not to disturb sleeping Feliciano. But it was in vain. A few seconds later the Italian's eyelids flickered and he made a soft moan while stretching. 

"Good morning, Feli." 

"Buongiorno, Luddy.

Feliciano returned the blond man's smile with ease, though he didn't feel like it. But with that tortured look on the German's face, he couldn't help but smile. He raised his arm to draw Ludwig's attention to the wrinkle on his forehead. "Why are you so worried in the early morning again?" The sighing that followed, he was not able to suppress. 

"I always worry when it comes to you," Ludwig replied truthfully. He took Feliciano's hand and squeezed it, placing a kiss on the back of his hand. 

"You know the nurses will scold you if they find you here before visiting hours," the Italian reminded his lover that the ward guidelines did not allow for visits during the week to arrive before 2 p.m., simply so as not to interfere with ward routine. 

Ludwig tightly pressed his lips together. He was well aware of the rule and it caused him stomach ache every time. He was extremely reluctant to break rules; quite the opposite. He usually loved them. It gave him a sense of security if there was a guideline he could follow, but he would not follow this one rule. He would never. "I can't help but drop in on you first," Ludwig finally replied and the worry line smoothed out. "You know that." 

Feliciano nodded and enjoyed the caresses. "I love that your voice is the first thing I hear in the morning," he admitted, nestling himself to his partner's rough hands.

His words made Ludwig's heart beat faster. "That is why I am here." He found it reassuring to find Feliciano in this lively mood. It helped him to put last week's picture from his mind a little. Not completely, but he clung to that smile. 

Feliciano sighed. "I hope I can go home soon. I want to wake up next to you."

"I want that too, Feli. But you know what the doctors said." Ludwig put on the stern look he used for his students when they made trouble again, but it didn't seem to work against Feliciano's puppy-like gaze. "You can't go home until you're completely recovered." 

Perhaps he would never be, Ludwig thought, and was horrified at the thought. 

It was no wonder. After all, he had found Feliciano in the bathtub.

For a good week he had been searching through all the forums and websites for people with depression and suicidal thoughts. Switching over and over again for not having seen the signs. Feliciano's tiredness, his lack of drive, his forced laughter outside and inside the house. His fourteen-hour sleep marathons and on some days he lay awake until four o'clock. He should have seen it, especially him.

His fingers stroked Feliciano's cheek and he pressed his lips tighter together. He couldn't cry, but the levees were about to break. Ludwig held on to Feliciano's hand as if he were drowning and Feliciano the anchor; and maybe it was exactly like that. 

Ludwig could not imagine living without the lively Italian, and yet it almost happened. If he had come home just a few hours later, the traffic jam had been longer, his work colleagues would have had better arguments for a booze-up after work... 

Ludwig could not imagine what would have happened then. What he would have lost then.

He hadn't realized how tightly he had squeezed Feliciano's hand when he muttered, "Luddy, you're hurting me." Feliciano didn't say it reproachfully or angrily. Above all, he knew what was going on in Ludwig. What fears were in him, what horrors he had experienced.

In return, Ludwig knew about the guilt and the demons. and the fear that clung to the chest of Feliciano. He just wanted to live, but his thoughts overwhelmed him. They were like an unfathomable ball and dark and cold; they took him over completely.

The worst thing was that Ludwig could not help him. They had talked and cuddled so much and thought about a future when Feliciano had already seen none and Ludwig had not suspected anything. 

And now the uncertainty remained for the otherwise strong German as well. Without Feliciano there was no future.

Ludwig slowly let go of Feliciano's hand and apologized, often for his carelessness. Again and again and again and again and again until the dams finally broke and he bent over and shed his tears on Feliciano's chest.

For ten days, Ludwig had held his breath and said not a word about it. Neither of them had spoken about the incident, about the bad thoughts. Neither knew what was going on in the other. 

But Ludwig knew that Feliciano must now have some idea. The tears would not stop, his voice was already hoarse from crying. What felt like hours could only have been a few minutes.

A door had opened in the background, a friendly face had pushed in and registered the oppressive atmosphere. Ludwig looked up. Nurse Elizabeta, who had sent him outside the door every other day, disappeared silently into the corridor. 

Feliciano took the opportunity to frame Ludwig's face with his hands. 

He had prepared so many things for the moment when he would apologize to Ludwig. Apologize for almost dying. But he knew that none of this was important at that moment.

Ludwig's desperation had reached its peak and words would not soothe him, only actions. And Feliciano could give him no assurance. He could only promise to keep fighting day after day, to defy the demons and to hold on to life.

Feliciano wiped the tears from his face and looked at him urgently. There was a wonderful silence in his head, but one thing was certain for him.

"No matter what my mind tells me, I have a future, and it will be beautiful because you're by my side."

Ludwig nodded and lowered his head against Felicianos. The images faded for a fraction of a moment, but they would never disappear completely. Feliciano took his hand and pressed it to his chest, to the spot where his heart was beating so excitedly. With each contraction it cried out: I live, I live, I live. 

And it would stay that way, because that was what Feliciano had sworn to himself at that moment. 


End file.
